*Please note: I use the term “God”, but not in a religious sense. Please feel free to omit or change the term while reading.
As I see it, the point of life is not to constantly achieve, but to open your heart as much as possible in any given moment no matter what is going on around you or in your life. Processing through all the thoughts I have had about life in my 39 years, this answer encapsulates the core of them all. This realistically proves to be challenging more often than not for the obvious reasons. What does it take to accomplish this? There is no straight forward answer that comes to my mind, but maybe the physical mind is not the best entity to own this task.
I have really held back in most areas of my life in expressing who I am really am and embracing my oneness with those around me. And you know what, that’s okay. Also, people scare me and I keep most people at arm’s length, even those closest to me. And that’s okay too. I am tired of repeating my same old story about my childhood and young adult years and I don’t know if it really serves me or anyone else to continue to discuss those times. I am tired of it all.
I started this blog in 2014 and wrote it for about a year until I went back to school in 2015 ( for an English and creative writing degree) and then decided it was too difficult to write a blog, go to school, and work full time. It probably wasn’t. But I could never muster the gumption to push myself in that way, burning the candle at both ends with little sleep or exercise, to achieve my dreams. All done while living a daily life that was draining. And that’s okay…
So here I am five years and three jobs later, with a bachelor’s degree, married to an equally creative-minded, goofy, sensitive individual. We bought our first house and we also lost our first baby at five months into the pregnancy. My husband and I are now trying for another baby after a surgery to remove fibroids, three months of recovery, and three months of follow up appointments, and of course quarantine and the “C” word, which I am sick of hearing but I believe is a world-wide transformation in progress (a fact I think most people have caught on to).
So it seems I have gained a lot and lost a lot, but it is really all surface stuff. We can’t control how long souls are with us in physical form. My daughter, Cadence Rose, remains a strong presence in my life and in my heart. She changed both mine and my husband’s lives for the better. The name was his idea. A classically trained musician and guitarist, he dreamed of naming his first daughter after the musical term cadence since he was 15. I fell in love with the name immediately and she fit the term perfectly. Her energy force was like this encompassing explosion of life. We held her and watched her take a few breaths before she passed, her perfection and beauty profoundly impacted us both. We have grown so much since she came into our lives, all for the better. She has brought up so many things to the surface that needed attention and healed my heart in many ways. I forget often in times of stress, but she quickly reminds me when I have time to reflect and that’s the difference now.
So how open is my heart really? It struggles to recognize itself often. Will I one day release all the things I think I need to do and embrace what I know is mine to do? I think so. It’s about the journey, a tried and true cliche. I can open my heart to what is actually available to me…and it is not as hard as I think it is. Much of what I think and how I think is an impressive mixture of philosophies and spiritual ideals and ideas.
I had been wanting to get back to my blog and resisting and resisting it, but there is always this perfect moment when you finally do something. It’s just perfect. It makes me think that there really are no mistakes. Things take time to marinate and grow. It’s the old adage (and another cliche) of planting a seed in a garden and looming over it demanding that it grow. It’s just so ludicrous, all of it. We are all growing, beautiful seeds, masterpieces in progress. I feel like putting a sign on the universal door that says, “Shhhhhh! Napping and growing in progress.” And another sign, “Please go away.”
God is us, we are God. Forgive, grow, love, have fun, cry, grow some more, and repeat.
Life will never be perfect and “we will never get it done” (Abraham-hicks loose quote). I am rereading “The Disappearance of the Universe” by Gary R. Renard, and I have remembered that the world around us, extending out to other galaxies, and other dimensions, and beyond, is all an illusion. From my simple understanding, it is a projection of our minds. I believe this is true for me, but I do not push this belief on anyone else. There are varying layers of reality and solidity of these realities. I think of our perceived existence to be like the many layers of an onion with increasing thickness, where the outermost layer is our solid physical existence, yet the most fragile and flakey. And as the layers progress inward, more of the unreal is released and forgiven as we re-remember or begin to awaken to our true existence where we see more and more clearly this connection and oneness with God or this God force. And we actually become more solid and stronger as we become more abstract and let go of all these specifications of separateness.
Physical experiences, emotional experiences, mental experiences, spiritual experiences are all layers and have different densities and feelings of being. The physical layer, for most people, would appear to be the densest. We can touch it, smell it, feel it (especially our own bodies), own it (our house, our cars), yet it is the most fragile and flakey. We perceive death, growth, constant outer changes, and desires, but it just feels so solid, right? As we evolve our understanding of matter and how matter is created, it becomes clearer, even scientifically supported that our thoughts, beliefs, intentions, and learned behaviors, create this outer layer, that everything is actually really malleable (in my opinion because it is not really real), but it depends on our beliefs. Trees exist because we (collectively) believe they do!
There is nothing wrong with our physical creations; we are here to create and to learn. We can’t help it. Even if we have no idea of our power/ability to create, we create; we just do it unconsciously. Most things we create are probably unconscious. But that’s okay too. We are also here to evolve and that is my firm belief. We evolve whether our creations are conscious or unconscious, horrendous creations, or incredible source-inspired creations. Can we accept it all? Can we find love in all situations? Can we express love for ourselves or others in all situations? I can say no to this right now on my human level, but on the soul level, the answer is always yes. It’s the core of the onion, God, we never left. That’s the truth of who we are, the most solid, pure love and light, pure source, true beauty, grace, power, intelligence and, all-encompassing creative energy.
“You don’t love someone because they’re perfect, you love them in spite of the fact that they’re not.”
“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”
“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”